As a Dad of a lovely little girl, Jaya, and a Dad-to-be of a
little boy (name to follow!) I was prompted by the topic under discussion to think about
nutrition for Dads-to-be and if it has any bearing on the ability to get pregnant in the
first place and the sex of the baby. I am to have one baby of each flavour but can't
think that I made any particular dietary choices or changes that could have conceivably
(ouch) made a difference.
After a short period of research on the Internet I have
discovered that there are many pieces of advice on what men (and indeed women) should and
should not eat to produce a baby of either sex. From my experience women are more likely
to have the willpower to adhere to supplements, make changes to their diets and generally
take care of themselves. Men on the other hand are probably just looking forward to the
sex bit. Cutting down on greasy food and booze is just for the laydeez, a Lamb Bhuna
washed down with 10 pints of ale are perfect ingredients to stoke the fire in our loins.
However enough of my opinions here's some of the pieces of sagacious wisdom I have mined
from online, I can neither vouch for or deny their validity most are here for amusement
only. I have added my thoughts after them, enjoy.
"Eat meat and salty food to get a boy, or
splurge on desserts to get a girl."
Because
eveyone knows girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice. From this deduction I draw
the following conclusion, if you want a boy then I suggest you eat slugs and snails and puppy
dog tails.
"Apparently eating well is important,
nutrition has a direct impact on the potency of your sperm."
I'm assuming that you want the equivalent of armour piercing, laser
guided, depleated uranium tipped slugs in your weapon, so wise up and eat good soldier. Now
drop and give me 69.
"Research shows that regular consumption
of alcohol, can make conception more difficult."
Yes, indeed it can. Have you tried to hit the bullseye with your dart when
you have consumed 5 pints of Nuns Warty Chin? Furthermore, it's really hard getting your wife
in the mood after a night of "oggling the hooters on the barmaid" especially when you score
them out of ten and impart the tally to your wife, and the rest of the pub, and then the
Barmaid, who you try to pull.
"Eating excessive amounts of fat can
lower sperm motility"
So put down that lump of
cheese, step away from the Maccy D's and get with the bean sprouts now, sperm get fat too! Wow,
who'da thought that your boys could lard up? Now all I can imagine is one huge, fat sperm
shuffling its way to the egg, taking a breather at the cervix. All that puffing and panting,
urging its bulky frame towards its ultimate goal, all sounds a bit like the act of love
itself.
"Eat plenty of foods rich in vitamin C
and other antioxidants"
Do cigarettes count
towards this? I used to think that Niacin, Thiamin and Riboflavin were members of the Indian
Bobsleigh team, men need it spelled out. Eat oranges, eat broccolli, don't eat deep fried Mars
Bars, stop using formulas and the periodic table. We are simple creatures and want to do well,
but all this antioxidant nonsense makes me want to go out and by some rust
killer.
"Get more zinc in your diet, at least 12
to 15 mg a day."
What? Zinc, I didn't know I
even ate zinc already let alone increase its intake. Zinc is used to galvanise metal tools to
protect them in wet conditions. Insert you own gag here...
"Increase your intake of calcium, good
sources of calcium include low-fat milk, yoghurt and salmon."
Do Milky Bars count? What about Cod 'n' Chips? I don't think I am getting
this wholesome food malarky.
Besides food, what other factors should you be aware of? It's a
question that has kept me pacing the floor at night, I am glad you were thinking the same
thing to. Apparently there is a whole host of lifestyle factors that can be perilous to
your potency. But apparently, all is not lost, the effects can be reversed, all you need
to do is:
"Avoid hot tubs, spa equipment and
saunas, also tight-fitting clothes such as, snug jeans, synthetic shorts, and bikini
underwear"
But then what would all you gay
friends think? Joking aside testicles function best when kept cool. Your "boys" are happiest at
94 to 96 degrees, a couple of degrees cooler than normal body temperature. Wear loose fitting
pants and boxer shorts (but avoid string pants if you ever want to get laid again,
ever).
"Impotence can be an unexpected side
effect of avid cycling."
A great excuse to take
the car to work, "Honey I need to protect my reserves" and it can cause erection problems too.
Biking? Just say no!
"Avoid rough sports such as football,
hockey, soccer, basketball, karate, horseback riding, and even adventurous
sex"
Basically try to avoid traumatic injury to
the genital region, because that is the main focus of all sports, take your opponent out with a
swift kick in the knackers. Ok, so it's not the main focus of all sports, just
football.
"Avoid
stress"
JUST TELL ME HOW!!! OK, camomile
tea, early nights, long deadlines, massages. If you find yourself on a high building
staring at strangers through a telescopic gun sight, time to destress
"The workplace can be very hazardous.
Avoid exposure to radiation and chemicals, ask for a
reassignment."
If I was exposed to
radiation I would ask for a permanent reassignment. But there are far more dangerous
risks in the workplace, the glass may break on the photocopier when trying to get a 400X
enlargement on your bum for instance. Or asking for a raise.
"Certain medications can reduce
fertility"
So avoid all contraception,
apparently they are really effective at preventing babies.
"Stop
smoking"
Bottom line is who wants to kiss
a stinky ashtray mouth? Eurghhhh.
So if you commit yourself to just a few months of clean living,
healthy eating — that means plenty of fruit, vegetables, whole grains, low-fat dairy
products, and lean meats — and a safe (though admittedly tamer) lifestyle, you'll be in
top shape to father a child. Once the kid comes you can go back to the all nighters,
binge drinking and curry house lifestyle you enjoyed before, except, no you won't you'll
be too knackered and financially stuffed to be able to do any of it.
Here are some outrageous myths about fertility and getting
pregnant:
Anaxagoras, a 5th century BC Greek philosopher believed that
semen from the right testicle produced sons, while semen from the left testicle resulted
in the birth of a daughter.
Some men in the Balkans squeeze the right side of their
scrotums in the hope of increasing the odds of having a son.
The ‘Caraka Samhita’, a manual written around 800 BC advised
prospective parents who expressed a preference for sons that they should “abstain from
intercourse for a week, gazing every morning and evening upon a majestic white bull or
stallion, being entertained by pleasant tales, and feeding their eyes on men and women of
gentle looks.”
Copulating whilst facing north increases the chances of a male
baby, facing south produces girls.
By putting drain cleaner in the toilet bowl you can tell the
sex of the baby, when the pregnant woman urinates by the colour of the water.
People claim that if you hold a locket or piece of string over
a pregnant woman's stomach, you can tell the gender of the baby by the direction the
locket or string moves. Back and forth for a boy. In a circle for a girl.
Women in early pregnancy are more magnetic and thus set off
shop alarms and metal detectors more easily.
Red headed men are more likely to have a boy.
The longer a mans "equipment" is the higher the chances of a
girl.
So all the best, I hope that the fertility crap shoot gives you
the type of baby you want, but remember each baby is an individual and no matter what sex
he/she is they are all going to make you happy! All the best.
