As a Dad of a lovely little
girl, Jaya, and a Dad-to-be of a
little boy (name to follow!) I was
prompted by the topic under
discussion to think about nutrition
for Dads-to-be and if it has any
bearing on the ability to get
pregnant in the first place and the
sex of the baby. I am to have one
baby of each flavour but can't think
that I made any particular dietary
choices or changes that could have
conceivably (ouch) made a
difference.
After a short period of
research on the Internet I have
discovered that there are many pieces
of advice on what men (and indeed
women) should and should not eat to
produce a baby of either sex. From my
experience women are more likely to
have the willpower to adhere to
supplements, make changes to their
diets and generally take care of
themselves. Men on the other hand are
probably just looking forward to the
sex bit. Cutting down on greasy food
and booze is just for the laydeez, a
Lamb Bhuna washed down with 10 pints
of ale are perfect ingredients to
stoke the fire in our loins. However
enough of my opinions here's some of
the pieces of sagacious wisdom I have
mined from online, I can neither
vouch for or deny their validity most
are here for amusement only. I have
added my thoughts after them,
enjoy.
"Eat meat and
salty food to get a boy, or splurge on
desserts to get a
girl."
Because eveyone knows
girls are made of sugar and spice and all
things nice. From this deduction I draw the
following conclusion, if you want a boy
then I suggest you eat slugs and snails and
puppy dog tails.
"Apparently eating
well is important, nutrition has a direct
impact on the potency of your
sperm."
I'm assuming that you
want the equivalent of armour piercing,
laser guided, depleated uranium tipped
slugs in your weapon, so wise up and eat
good soldier. Now drop and give me
69.
"Research shows
that regular consumption of alcohol, can
make conception more
difficult."
Yes, indeed it can. Have you tried to hit
the bullseye with your dart when you have
consumed 5 pints of Nuns Warty Chin?
Furthermore, it's really hard getting your
wife in the mood after a night of "oggling
the hooters on the barmaid" especially when
you score them out of ten and impart the
tally to your wife, and the rest of the
pub, and then the Barmaid, who you try to
pull.
"Eating excessive
amounts of fat can lower sperm
motility"
So put down that lump
of cheese, step away from the Maccy D's and
get with the bean sprouts now, sperm get
fat too! Wow, who'da thought that your boys
could lard up? Now all I can imagine is one
huge, fat sperm shuffling its way to the
egg, taking a breather at the cervix. All
that puffing and panting, urging its bulky
frame towards its ultimate goal, all sounds
a bit like the act of love
itself.
"Eat plenty of
foods rich in vitamin C and other
antioxidants"
Do cigarettes count towards this? I used to
think that Niacin, Thiamin and Riboflavin
were members of the Indian Bobsleigh team,
men need it spelled out. Eat oranges, eat
broccolli, don't eat deep fried Mars Bars,
stop using formulas and the periodic table.
We are simple creatures and want to do
well, but all this antioxidant nonsense
makes me want to go out and by some rust
killer.
"Get more zinc in
your diet, at least 12 to 15 mg a
day."
What? Zinc, I didn't
know I even ate zinc already let alone
increase its intake. Zinc is used to
galvanise metal tools to protect them in
wet conditions. Insert you own gag
here...
"Increase your
intake of calcium, good sources of calcium
include low-fat milk, yoghurt and
salmon."
Do Milky Bars count?
What about Cod 'n' Chips? I don't think I
am getting this wholesome food
malarky.
Besides food, what other
factors should you be aware of? It's
a question that has kept me pacing
the floor at night, I am glad you
were thinking the same thing to.
Apparently there is a whole host of
lifestyle factors that can be
perilous to your potency. But
apparently, all is not lost, the
effects can be reversed, all you need
to do is:
"Avoid hot tubs,
spa equipment and saunas, also
tight-fitting clothes such as, snug jeans,
synthetic shorts, and bikini
underwear"
But then what would
all you gay friends think? Joking aside
testicles function best when kept cool.
Your "boys" are happiest at 94 to 96
degrees, a couple of degrees cooler than
normal body temperature. Wear loose fitting
pants and boxer shorts (but avoid string
pants if you ever want to get laid again,
ever).
"Impotence can be
an unexpected side effect of avid
cycling."
A great excuse to take
the car to work, "Honey I need to protect
my reserves" and it can cause erection
problems too. Biking? Just say
no!
"Avoid rough
sports such as football, hockey, soccer,
basketball, karate, horseback riding, and
even adventurous
sex"
Basically try to avoid
traumatic injury to the genital region,
because that is the main focus of all
sports, take your opponent out with a swift
kick in the knackers. Ok, so it's not the
main focus of all sports, just
football.
"Avoid
stress"
JUST TELL ME HOW!!!
OK, camomile tea, early nights, long
deadlines, massages. If you find yourself
on a high building staring at strangers
through a telescopic gun sight, time to
destress
"The workplace can
be very hazardous. Avoid exposure to
radiation and chemicals, ask for a
reassignment."
If I was exposed to radiation I would ask
for a permanent reassignment. But there are
far more dangerous risks in the workplace,
the glass may break on the photocopier when
trying to get a 400X enlargement on your
bum for instance. Or asking for a
raise.
"Certain
medications can reduce
fertility"
So avoid all
contraception, apparently they are really
effective at preventing
babies.
"Stop
smoking"
Bottom line is who
wants to kiss a stinky ashtray mouth?
Eurghhhh.
So if you commit yourself to
just a few months of clean living,
healthy eating — that means plenty of
fruit, vegetables, whole grains,
low-fat dairy products, and lean
meats — and a safe (though admittedly
tamer) lifestyle, you'll be in top
shape to father a child. Once the kid
comes you can go back to the all
nighters, binge drinking and curry
house lifestyle you enjoyed before,
except, no you won't you'll be too
knackered and financially stuffed to
be able to do any of it.
Here are some outrageous
myths about fertility and getting
pregnant:
Anaxagoras, a 5th century BC
Greek philosopher believed that semen
from the right testicle produced
sons, while semen from the left
testicle resulted in the birth of a
daughter.
Some men in the Balkans
squeeze the right side of their
scrotums in the hope of increasing
the odds of having a son.
The ‘Caraka Samhita’, a
manual written around 800 BC advised
prospective parents who expressed a
preference for sons that they should
“abstain from intercourse for a week,
gazing every morning and evening upon
a majestic white bull or stallion,
being entertained by pleasant tales,
and feeding their eyes on men and
women of gentle looks.”
Copulating whilst facing
north increases the chances of a male
baby, facing south produces
girls.
By putting drain cleaner in
the toilet bowl you can tell the sex
of the baby, when the pregnant woman
urinates by the colour of the
water.
People claim that if you
hold a locket or piece of string over
a pregnant woman's stomach, you can
tell the gender of the baby by the
direction the locket or string moves.
Back and forth for a boy. In a circle
for a girl.
Women in early pregnancy are
more magnetic and thus set off shop
alarms and metal detectors more
easily.
Red headed men are more
likely to have a boy.
The longer a mans
"equipment" is the higher the chances
of a girl.
So all the best, I hope that
the fertility crap shoot gives you
the type of baby you want, but
remember each baby is an individual
and no matter what sex he/she is they
are all going to make you happy! All
the best.
