What Dad's want

NCT Article 03

 I write articles aimed at Dads for the NCT Magazine. It's a less than serious look at Fatherhood and I'd hope it balances the maternal tone. Judge for yourself...

NCT Magazine Article 01
NCT Magazine Article 02
NCT Magazine Article 03
NCT Magazine Article 04
Film Reviewers Guide Article
Funny.co.uk Little Britain report

As it is/was fathers day (depending when you read this) I was pondering on presents, not that they are expected, just thinking about what I could do with. A tool box, actually two, one for DIY tools the other for Car tools, a good torch, and some new overalls, well the list goes on and on, but most of them seemed to be items with a practical purpose, or just plain boring. So I started to think about "Wish list" items and just in case anyone can oblige here are my top 10, in reverse order:

10) Some kind of toddler helmet which would automatically mute screams, crying fits, demands for forbidden items and just general unwanted noise, but would let through all the cute stuff, like "Dadda" and "Mumma"
9) A kind of "Get out of jail free" card for when you have had 1 hours sleep, and are having to deal with a public infant meltdown. The card would allow the bearer to have precedent over queues, parking spaces, and seats in restaurants including priority over waiters.
8) A giant who would come round and sit you on his/her knee and give you a Daddy hug of your very own. Saying "There, there, it'll be alright" as you gently blub.
7) A 10 minute recording buffer of all things viewed through my eyes, so that when my wee person decides to go on a charm and cute offensive and do something that is just the sweetest thing, like kiss her brother for the first time, or tickle my toes I will have it recorded first hand rather than having the:
"Why are the batteries never put back in the re-charger"
"Well you try dealing with two kids and a house"
"I have a business to run"
"Mother was right"
"I'm off to the pub"
Exchange that this can lead to (note the above conversation is for demonstration only, actually conversation may vary depending on your circumstances).
6) Crayon and Ink proof floors, walls and soft furnishings. No more need be said.
5) Toddler pause button. They just never stop, they're exhausting, just watching them sometimes leaves me breathless, well I want a pause button so that I can go make a cuppa, come back and the room is still in some semblance of order and the cats aren't traumatised.
4) A special TV which when viewed from an angle below 90 degrees from dead on shows endless Pocoyo episodes (Feel free to insert your child's TV eye candy of choice here) but when viewed from dead on or looking down from above it shows Top Gear and The Apprentice (Feel free to insert your TV eye candy of choice here).
3) 1 Extra hour in every day.
2) Toddler repellent for when I am in the loo. I could spray it around the door and it would stop the incessant banging to be let in, and big fat tears when it doesn't happen. The ensuing pants-round-ankle shuffle to the door, and the small audience as you finish what should be a solo flight.
1) Dad Miles, which work like air miles and are clocked up for every hour you spend in a car with a toddler, this is doubled for every child in the car. The balance of points can be exchanged in a pub of your choice, or go towards part payment of any season ticket or any sporting event. Bank Holidays are triple point bonus occasions.

So, that is my wish list, OK so I'll need Aladdin's lamp and a very obliging Genie but a man can live in hope. Feel free to make up your own list and send 'em in! Hope all the Dads out there have a really good day, make sure you give your kids an extra special big hug!

All original material © 1997-2006 Stuart Morrison and DS Ltd