Preschool
101
NCT Article
03
I write articles aimed at Dads for the NCT
Magazine. It's a less than serious look at
Fatherhood and I'd hope it balances the
maternal tone. Judge for
yourself...
NCT Magazine
Article
01
NCT Magazine
Article
02
NCT Magazine
Article
03
NCT Magazine
Article 04
Film Reviewers
Guide
Article
Funny.co.uk
Little Britain
report
Preschool, nursery, kindergarten, are modern
nomenclature for chaos with rules. Anyone
parent will know that there is a only a finite
length of time that children around this age
can be kept interested in any subject. The
length of time is proportionally inverse to how
important you as a parent believe that subject
to be. I therefore propose a radical and wholly
innovative way to structure the pre-schoolers
day.
6:00 AM - CLASS
NAME: Vocal
Strengthening
ACTIVITIES: 30 Mins of calling "Dadda"
increasing in volume until the last 5
minutes is accompanied by cot rocking and
toy throwing, thus increasing upper body
strength too.
6:30 AM - CLASS NAME: Physical
Education
ACTIVITIES: Assorted disciplines including:
the soiled nappy removal challenge. The
naked-from-the-waist-down 50-meter dash,
all in water wrestling, use soap for an
added degree of difficulty and toddler
dressage, (attempting to re-clothe bathed
toddler).
7:15 AM - Snack time.
Treats may include 3-day-old desiccated
cereal, milk, water, bread and yoghurt
combo health drink and cat food
surprise.
10:00 AM - CLASS NAME: Advanced
Drama and Histrionics
ACTIVITIES: Wailing, rolling and limb
thrashing accompanied by tears, mardiness
and sulking. Older students may employ the
"perleeeeease" and going limp when picked
up technique.
11:00 AM - CLASS NAME: Creative
play
ACTIVITIES: Free form shoe piling, sofa
decoration sponsored by Marmite, Robinsons
jam and Crayola (other spreads, dips and
colouring implements are available)
1:15PM - CLASS NAME: Retail
Recreation Field Trip
ACTIVITIES: Escapology, product placement
liberation, the "Why is that lady so
fat/spotty/badly dressed?" game (probably
another harassed parent so panic not.) May
be accompanied by adult reactions such as:
profuse apologitis, inaudible obscenitus in
extremis, Mall fever and excusé latté
interuptus.
4:00PM - CLASS NAME: Vehicle
Maintenance
ACTIVITIES: Safety belt testing, glass
impact testing, glass high frequency
shatter testing, upholstery stain
resistance testing, I.C.E. volume testing,
other vehicle observance (car, car, car,
car, car, car,)
5:00PM - CLASS NAME: Free
Play
ACTIVITIES: Anything non dangerous and not
requiring the interaction of an exhausted
"Teacher" who may or may not be putting
their feet up and having a well deserved
rest and recuperation.
I am hoping this may
eventually make it to the education
mandarins in Whitehall, only time
will tell... Any amendments or
suggestions you may have will be
incorporated on merit.
All original material ©
1997-2006 Stuart Morrison and DS
Ltd
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