Preschool 101
NCT Article 03
I write articles aimed at Dads
for the NCT Magazine. It's a less than serious look at Fatherhood and I'd hope it balances the
maternal tone. Judge for yourself...
NCT Magazine Article 01
NCT Magazine Article 02
NCT Magazine Article 03
NCT Magazine Article 04
Film Reviewers Guide Article
Funny.co.uk Little Britain
report
Preschool, nursery, kindergarten, are modern nomenclature for chaos
with rules. Anyone parent will know that there is a only a finite length of time that
children around this age can be kept interested in any subject. The length of time is
proportionally inverse to how important you as a parent believe that subject to be. I
therefore propose a radical and wholly innovative way to structure the pre-schoolers
day.
6:00 AM - CLASS
NAME: Vocal Strengthening
ACTIVITIES: 30 Mins of calling "Dadda" increasing in volume until the last 5 minutes is
accompanied by cot rocking and toy throwing, thus increasing upper body strength too.
6:30 AM - CLASS NAME: Physical Education
ACTIVITIES: Assorted disciplines including: the soiled nappy removal challenge. The
naked-from-the-waist-down 50-meter dash, all in water wrestling, use soap for an added degree
of difficulty and toddler dressage, (attempting to re-clothe bathed toddler).
7:15 AM - Snack time.
Treats may include 3-day-old desiccated cereal, milk, water, bread and yoghurt combo health
drink and cat food surprise.
10:00 AM - CLASS NAME: Advanced Drama and Histrionics
ACTIVITIES: Wailing, rolling and limb thrashing accompanied by tears, mardiness and sulking.
Older students may employ the "perleeeeease" and going limp when picked up technique.
11:00 AM - CLASS NAME: Creative play
ACTIVITIES: Free form shoe piling, sofa decoration sponsored by Marmite, Robinsons jam and
Crayola (other spreads, dips and colouring implements are available)
1:15PM - CLASS NAME: Retail Recreation Field Trip
ACTIVITIES: Escapology, product placement liberation, the "Why is that lady so fat/spotty/badly
dressed?" game (probably another harassed parent so panic not.) May be accompanied by adult
reactions such as: profuse apologitis, inaudible obscenitus in extremis, Mall fever and excusé
latté interuptus.
4:00PM - CLASS NAME: Vehicle Maintenance
ACTIVITIES: Safety belt testing, glass impact testing, glass high frequency shatter testing,
upholstery stain resistance testing, I.C.E. volume testing, other vehicle observance (car, car,
car, car, car, car,)
5:00PM - CLASS NAME: Free Play
ACTIVITIES: Anything non dangerous and not requiring the interaction of an exhausted "Teacher"
who may or may not be putting their feet up and having a well deserved rest and
recuperation.
I am hoping this may eventually make it to the education mandarins in
Whitehall, only time will tell... Any amendments or suggestions you may have will be
incorporated on merit.
All original material © 1997-2006 Stuart Morrison and DS
Ltd
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